Tonight I visited an ex-coworker and her 2 month old baby, Trystan. Yes, she’s one of those moms.

He has THE chubbiest cheeks and THE roundest belly! OMG I CAN’T! *gigil gigil

It’s strange it felt natural to walk around that old compound, even more strange is how welcome I felt inside that house, ,maybe because for years it’s been my second home, 50 steps away from my own.

Years ago, when AA and her family moved, my coworker, whom just started at the clinic, actually purchased the house. Small world isn’t it?

I really wanted to text her and tell her that her old purple room, with that creepy clown hanging in the corner, is now painted red and brown and has been turned into a baby room for Trystan. Except of course I could, which made me immensely sad. 

-Elle Are Emm

There’s something about backup plans that makes them quite comforting. In my case, it’s whats providing fuel so that I can go forward with Plan A. At this point, I really just want to get over Plan A, so that I can go on with my life. I need a new journey. I want to start new experiences. I want to put all my cards on the table and see what happens. 

FUCK IT.

In reality, I’ve never felt so lost and so stranded in place, but I’m taking it as a good sign. The other night, I received one of those late night phone calls from a friend, and this is the topic of conversation. I told her: “I think this is how we’re supposed to feel. I think feeling lost, and hopeless, and helpless and directionless from all the overwhelming life choices is a right of passage. It’s good” I think….right? 

Among a plethora of emotions, excitement and fear stands out the most. I don’t know how adults did it. I don’t know how after going through this, not very many people go mentally insane.

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

-Elle Are Emm 

That is all 

-Elle Are Emm

Mother’s much anticipate trip actually happened as planned. She has been looking forward to the gathering of her small town, that was scheduled to take place first week of August, in Las Vegas since last year. Seeing as Father’s work schedule is erratic, she ended up bringing Baby Bill and myself. 

Truth be told, I dreaded the trip. My uneasiness, which rapidly translated into annoyance, seemingly increased as the day neared. 

I’ve never been to Las Vegas, and quite frankly, given the choice, I could live without setting foot in that city. In reality, the place only hold two things of interest; drag shows and Cirque de Soleil. Other than that, it essentially represents everything I dislike; crowd, excess and debauchery. Never mind the dry, hot weather, I really can’t stand the business and over crowding of mostly drunk individuals, geared up for a few nights of unconstrained depravity. 

I am slowly coming to the realization that, although I can hold myself in a crowd quite decently, I fit into the category of introvert. Ironic, seeing as I can easily be the loudest person in the room naturally. Not only am I in the habit of rarely introducing myself, but unknown crowds of people actually often turn my thoughts hostile, and even company of people I am friends with, almost always, momentarily feel like an intrusion. Of course, courtesy and common decency dictates and forces me to act polite, but doing so actually takes a lot of my energy, so nothing comforts me more than staying in my room for days on end with virtually little physical social contact aside from my family. I can actually stay in near solitude for prolong periods of time that when I do see people, it takes a while for me to readjust and not fumble over vocalizing my words. 

I’ve got to say though, my expectations were so low, that the whole experience was very anti climatic. I was expecting….more. More lights, more buildings, more noise, more clubs, more drunkenness, more party, more debauchery. Maybe it was due to the nature of our visit, and the area with which we stayed, but my expectations weren’t met and it made the trip more bearable. I even enjoyed some of the things we visited (Titanic Museum, Aquarium and Body Exhibit) that I wouldn’t mind revisiting. 

Though I guess, going on a tour to see the Grand Canyon wrap things up nicely, seeing the scenery put me back in my element and provide me with a recharge. It still doesn’t come close to the hikes we had in Hawaii,but even still. 

There is something about nature that keeps me calm and grounded. Again, something I hadn’t realize about myself until recently. Not to say I have become one of those individuals that could rough it out for days, and weeks on end away from civilization. I still enjoy basic, first world commodities. But I could envision myself in that scenario, and would actually chose it over a night out in the city. I like the simplicity of it, I like that it’s away from technology and it’s distractions. I like that it feels safer and liberating. This comes as a surprise, I’ve always pegged myself as someone who likes to be on the go and in constant motion. 

So this is why people enjoy outdoors. 

Now if only I could find a group of people that could guide and start me out. 

Another thing that I never figured I would enjoy is river rafting. This summer, my siblings and I have been exploring. We never really had the means before, so I guess now is the perfect opportunity.  A few days ago, Jadeh has gotten it into his head that we should go kayaking in the island. However, he changed his mind and opted for rafting instead. So this morning, bright and early, and with Father in tow, we headed up to Lytton, about a 3-4 hours drive for a 2.5 hours rafting down the Thompson River. It was such a hot, beautiful day. Over all it was nice, but not as rough as I thought it was going to be. The moment of nausea and panic I had experienced upon starting was almost embarrassing.  Jadeh purchased a waterproof, disposable camera, but we hardly a chance to utilized the film so it might be a while before the photographs will be developed.  

-Elle Are Emm 

Last picture with SJ,didn’t realize how nearly we match. 

Accompanied SJ around the day before she left (07/28). She had asked me initially to accompany her to a meeting she has with the administration from my old school. Confession Bear: I couldn’t because I was scared to see old instructors. I feel like I left on such a disappointing note that I couldn’t bear to bring myself back there.  This was hard to explain, so I ended up telling SJ that I slept in. I did meet her afterwards though; I brought her to The Quay to have some crepes from Allan, the Frenchman. Except disappointingly enough, he wasn’t there, and somehow the crepes just weren’t as good. 

We stopped by her school, then Chinatown, then back to her place where I helped her pack. Around half past 6, I left. It wasn’t as sad as I thought it would; sure, she plans to come back ASAP, but it’s also because I have a feeling that even if she doesn’t, we’ll see each other again somehow. 

After I made my way home, the bros and I went to the new night market, where the strong, cold, evening wind, made it evident that summer is nearing it’s end. I’ve always preferred the old night market by the way, and all because of these Taiwanese cake wheels snacks that I’ve been obsessing with for YEARS. I noticed though, that apart from that, the old market is actually severely lacking. Sure it’s nice that the food are a fraction cheaper, and it’s not as crowded, but merchandise and variety wise, it doesn’t come up to par with the newer one. 

Besides, I stumbled upon this pastry goodness; it’s essentially bread, rolled in cinnamon and sugar, with Nutella and Bavarian cream filling inside *drool*

On Saturday, I received an unexpected text from Dr. B asking if I would be willing to massage her and a few more people. I mean, she’s made her intentions known a long time ago, but never really committed, that I’ve always thought that she just took a polite interest for the sake of filling in awkward silences. 

So on Sunday, I came over. First and last time I set foot in her home was a few years back during one Christmas work party. There were too many people to make a proper observation; I had no more than a passing thought on how big the place is. I hadn’t realize exactly how big, until last Sunday. I had always thought I wanted the same life style for myself, especially when I was younger; a big fancy house, with fancy interior decoration, in a nice fancy neighbourhood. I mean, doesn’t that seem like a cushy way to live? Now I’m not too sure. I feel like to live that lifestyle, I would have to dedicate and center my attention to possessing as much as I can. 

To have this view though. It makes me think twice. 

I have never simultaneously appreciated and averted the Filipino’s culture and attitude towards guests. I mean, in all technicality I wasn’t even really a guest. But of course, declining the inevitable offer of nourishment would just make my situation even more awkward. So I toughened up, pretended I belonged by unceasingly talking to one of the tita’s, as I normally tend to do when placed in awkward settings.  Luckily, the two other women were quite nice, especially the tita I talked too, she was quite unexpectedly sweet and welcoming, that at some point, I fully accepted that she might have forgotten to pay; which luckily, she didn’t.

-Elle Are Emm

These past few days has been a mixture of drifting in and out of sleep, and slowly reintegrating myself back with human company. 

I actually worked a handful of times the last couple of weeks. It turns out that the office has been severely under staff so they turned to me, as they have been known to do. It saddens me that the receptionist spot, which I have been coveting for years,  has been filled by someone else. What am I to do though, right?

Since I have always been an on-call staff, nothing that happens in the office has ever really affected me. It turns out that many people are unhappy with multiple things and decided to leave. Hence, the under staff situation. I was actually offered more hours, but I couldn’t really be bothered to take them.

On Thursday 07/18, I did finally saw Babsie and DC after work. We had dinner, then they came over to my place after. During dinner, Babsie had mentioned that Stella and Virgo, two adorable, high energy, 2 year old Rottweiler-Pit bull mix, whom belonged to the same owner as Ulam, had to be put down 2 days  prior due to some unfortunate circumstances. This actually, genuinely saddened -and still saddens- me; they were two of the most beautiful dogs I’ve ever seen and I couldn’t imagine having Aso (who turned 4 yesterday btw!) ever having an untimely departure.  

What’s more, is that on the same day those dogs were being put down, I received a text message of the most grave matter from SJ. To her misfortune, and just as she had formally asked for work sponsorship, she was caught during a random border inspection on her way back from Seattle. I had thought that she was joking, as I did help with drafting a letter she sent to her boss. I didn’t actually received a reply from her until two days later. It angers me to no end that she would befall this fate. Not only was she highly under appreciated, that company just flat out took advantage of her.  A sliver of hope is still on the horizon though; she has only been banned to return for a year. Quite frankly, I thought that was very lenient, as I speculated something much, much worst from the get-go. It’s really too bad that she waited this long to arrange her affairs, and just as she was, she gets caught.

Seeing as she is scheduled to leave this Saturday, she asked if we could see each other a couple more times. So on Tuesday, her, IC and myself met downtown. 

On the way, I dropped by the Great Wall of Tea in New Westminster to restock and to purchase some for SJ to take home. Then we had cupcakes by the beach while waiting for SJ’s bf so that we could all have dinner together.  

We finished dinner around 9PM. IC had somewhere else to be; I didn’t, so I stayed and third wheeled for an evening stroll around Stanley Park. It was my first time to walk around the entirety of the park; I wasn’t aware, -nor did either of the couple made me aware- at how big the park is. As neither of them uttered a word of protest, I just kept on encouraging us to walk farther. It turns out it was approximately 9 KILOMETERS  in distance,which is quite possibly the longest I’ve ever traveled by foot on one go. It was a cool, starry night so only time constraint was the issue, because I commuted. We were a little over the halfway mark when I thought to ask how long the path is, and at that point I only had about an hour before the the last train departs. In retrospect, on my part, I also miscalculated and misunderstood the train schedule. Luckily, night buses are available, though to be honest, I was quite unsure even of that. I did toy with the idea of quite possibly killing 4 or so hours at SJ’s, just until the train resumes its services again. However, by the time we got back to her place, it was quite apparent that they were both exhausted, and staying too will feel like an intrusion. But hey! I did manage to get around in another country with it’s transit system completely foreign to me, I was just a bit worried since SJ’s place was some distance away from the bus stop I needed, and from all the years I’ve lived here, I’m still quite unfamiliar with downtown, no matter how small it is. Thank goodness for data and gps! Dehydrated and sweating, I managed to make it in time. An hour later, I was almost home. As much as I hate spending money on it, I had to take the cab home seeing as regular buses doesn’t run for another few hours and calling home is out of the question. 

The next day, I had the option of going with the older brother to Black Tusk or meet ate LG to study later in the afternoon. Kuya left just as I was tucking myself in bed, also I was starting to feel slight cramping on my calves. Besides, I’d already promised ate LG that day so I slept instead. Teaching someone else something you’re quite familiar with is such a strange experience. It just gives a perspective on how much knowledge you’ve accumulated and retain with regards to that topic. Hmmnnn.

I had been a little weary that it would get awkward after not seeing any of them for nearly a month, especially when ate DP showed up. See, prior to the trip, we almost spent every waking moment in constant communication or within the company of each other. It wasn’t.  Though admittedly on my part, there is still a slight tension as it seems, I still haven’t recovered my enthusiasm of sharing every detail of my every day as I was used to. 

Sadly, when mother picked us up after dinner, she asked when it was that I started speaking to them again. I think I came off defensive when I tried to explain that I didn’t actively avoided communication with anybody. But knowing that it was just her motherly concern, and it was in her good intention when she advised me to keep some distance, kept me in check. It’s quite sweet really, when I unexpectedly broke down crying the day we came back, she had a very maternal protectiveness about her. In my moment of frailty, I managed to wonder out loud, why the conviction now, and why was it absent when I was picked on when I was younger. Her response was somewhere along this line: “Of course, you’re my daughter and I don’t want to see you hurt. It was no place for me to intervene between children squabble, but I did confront those other moms’ that sided wither their children”. I just think that her views on friendship is warped. Ever since, she has tried to instill in us that there is no better friendship, nor anything more worth, other than the ones you make with family. I never really bought it, and now I understand why. Other than the fact that we aren’t the closest of family, I feel that family isn’t solely exclusive to blood relations. You make and choose family. And you don’t break bonds just because you’ve had a small disagreement. Relationships can be tainted, but just as long as every party is willing to work it out, I don’t see any reason not to try. Life is too short to brood over something irrelevant just as good people are too few to be leaving them behind. 

-Elle Are Emm

Late night slurpee run last night because for some reason, these past few days, I’ve gotten it in my head that I should make my own screamers at home. It’s just so damn good! I honestly want a screamers party. Where has this drink been all my life?

Also, I miraculously woke up early today. and in a vain attempt to even out my tan lines, I lay down on our balcony to soak up some sun, but that felt awkward and exposed so I figured, I would move to the yard where I would be protected by the fence. Yes, I have turned into that girl. 

But my fat, sweaty behind does not permit for this to go on much longer. AND it wasn’t even humid or that hot! I don’t  even remember sweating buckets the few times I was at the beach in Hawaii!

Next on the agenda was to take Aso with me on a long walk inside to forest with the intention of testing out the hydrapack I just bought, and to try and find the trail that would serve as a shortcut when I go to work/train.  It was so beautiful, calm and peaceful inside, I really must make a habit of it. I don’t know if it’s my new found appreciation to summer, but to me, it seems as though this year was the coolest it’s ever been around this season! It’s nice!  *thumbs up*

Oh and I’ve also turned into that person:

I’ve been meaning to check out audiobook to keep my mind occupied during my runs/walk. I honestly didn’t expect to enjoy having someone -and a singular voice at that- read to me. I mean, of course nothing will ever beat the physical feel of a book, but it’s nice to have something the focus on.

-Elle Are Emm

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.“ - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, ESV

Here comes a moment of truth. 

A few months back, during my first House Hold meet, I remember my HH using the above passage from the bible to hold a discussion over. She’d ask which part of it resonated with us. Frankly, I don’t quite remember what I’d said; but I must have related it towards my parents somehow. Now though, having had a little too much time cooped up at home, with only Aso to talk to, this particular passage came back to me out of nowhere. 

Not going to lie, I am not a big bible reader, so I did have to search it using “A Walk to Remember” as keywords. 

During the recent years, I have come to realize that the word love is much broader and deeper than the convenient definition. It takes shape in so many forms, and not a single one is more important than the others. In retrospect, I have always imparted love in the form of a friendship. To me, love and friendship are homologous and I guess that’s probably why I was never quick to claim “best friends”. Just as love and friendship is homologous, friendship and family are synonymous to me.  I know, it’s probably highly unbelievable coming from me, as I’ve always been mean spirited and often commandeering, especially during my younger more tomboyish and unrefined years. It may come across as brash and insincere to others, but that’s just it, I think that may have been a defense mechanism designed to filter out those I do not consider as family. Very little things in this life can hurt me, and I mean truly hurt me. Only three people can really bring me genuine sadness and tears. I’ve admitted to the first two many times, and they’ve been very cathartic, so I guess it’s time I admit to the last one. 

I mean if it’s not already obvious from the current contents and topic of this specific blog….

If I could, I would rewrite the passage above and tweak it a little to: Love takes offense but is not resentful…it doesn’t excuse but understands….love does not come to an end but is not tenacious. 

Taking offense is part of the whole package, I think taking offense, in a reasonable extent is an evidence of love. To love, you take the risk of letting your guard down to effectively transfer a vital part of your emotional being to that person who often, isn’t aware of it, thus there will come a time that they may become careless, and cause hurt unintentionally, but to resent taints the love, it also causes you to hold on and be held back. Love should never have excuses but understanding. Excuse is turning a blind eye to the motives of the hurt that’s been caused; not only is it easy, it also paves way to abuse and dwindles the love for one’s self. Understanding, on the other hand, forces you to look pass your ego and examine the reasons why you are hurt and why the hurt was caused; whether is was intentional or an accident. Love does not come to an end, how could it when you’ve already given and handed over an impalpable part of yourself? Though, to love is also to let go.

 Because of this, I believe and come to accept that it’s okay to be hurt. I’ve allowed myself to felt betrayed with what transpired between CM and I. It was my first experience of, what I thought was a strong friendship breaking, that the hurt was so immense even now, years later, there are moments when it stings ever-so-lightly. And it’s because of indulging myself with this emotion that I was able to dissipate the hurt overtime. My regret in this is that almost everything transpired through the word of mouth, I was too involve in my own hurt and pride that I never came to her to try a resolution.

Because of this I’ve allowed myself to be sad that it was inevitable for my longest -and for years what I considered my closest- friendship to end. It was quite evident to me that it already has even before it had. It was through no one’s fault; life happened and interest just changed. Though admittedly, I felt as though I’ve been outgrown. My regret in this is that, it ended on a bitter note and misunderstanding despite my efforts of resolution.

And finally, because of this, I’ve allowed myself to feel rejected, that now, I feel lost and drowned out in a growing group. Now, this one is a learning process; I’m learning  to let go of my bruised ego and finding it within myself the courage to trust again.

When it comes down to it, I’ve learned a very valuable lesson:

Expectation is the bane of friendship. Or every kind of relationship for that matter. Expectation is highly driven by narcissism, which acts as poison to even the strongest formed relationship. Even still, one should always have a standard which one must uphold. 

I’ve always felt like it’s out of character of me to be emotional. To me, to be emotional is to be weak. And if anything else, I have no problems admitting that I have weakness BUT I detest admitting I am weak. I would like to think that there’s nothing frail about me physically, from my broad shoulder-thick arms and thigh-built, to my naturally booming voice. I’ve had a strange sense of insecurity and pride over that, however the more I felt insecure about not being dainty, the more I took pride in being able to decently hold my own. So it is surprisingly liberating to be able to put my thoughts in coherent words. Now that I have this recorded, I don’t have to constantly mull over these ideas and hopefully move on.

-Elle Are Emm 

A week or so ago when Father was here, he made the decision to move Ulam outside. The balcony is obviously the perfect placement for her, however she’s taken a habit of eating Mother’s plants and most importantly, chewing through the wooden railing. I couldn’t really blame him; the chew marks were getting pretty severe and it’s not like we own this house. 

Since the move, Ulam has managed to escape twice. The first time, Father told me tentatively as I joined him in the living room moments after waking. And I freaked out.  I wasn’t even aware that at this age, I was still able to throw tantrum up to par to any bratty toddler out there. I stomped my feet, I fell on my carpet and writhed as loud shrills of accusations came spurting out of my mouth. It could not have been a pretty sight and I knew I was acting ridiculous but I just did not give a damn. I even took my anger out on Aso when he came in to investigate the ruckus I was making. Honestly, I was only half surprise the Father did not come barging in to slap me into calmness. An eternity later, I was hoarse and exhausted. I felt defeated and all I could do was sob as I lay on the feotal position. I hadn’t really thought it through, but at this moment, I was thinking of ways to redeem what little pride a tantrum-throwing-21-year-old could redeem. The fact that the Father found Ulam half an hour later did not make it any easier. It wasn’t until the Mother came home that I was able to march out of my room with my head held high. 

The second one was tonight. Well it was Aso who had a mishap first. After my evening runs, I’m trying to make it a point to walk him around unleashed, because by then it will be late enough that there wouldn’t be traffic, other dogs or people to worry about. He’s already familiar with the route and I could usually get him to listen to me, albeit I do have to use a threatening tone. Tonight however, at the peak of his excitement, he spotted a rat that was crossing the street to our side that I’d seen just moment before. Aso bolted, he had the rat cornered in seconds, and in between his teeth the next. My original fear was that the rat would escape and make its way across the traffic and Aso would undoubtedly follow. He was just so excited that I couldn’t get him to listen. So I tried and tried to intervene that I got in the way and the rat, panicking, tried to climb up my leg. It was shrieking and crying and it was horrible! Which reminded me of a conversation I once had with the pest control MILF at my past job; she said that this happens, that the rats, which sometimes could get up to the size of a small cat, once cornered would shriek and cry in fear. I know it’s a pest but still! It feels pain! Eventually, out of pity – as I could see that Aso had severely injured it-, I let him finish the job. 

So after I reprimanded and hauled him home, it was time to tend to Ulam. Obviously, since her relocation, I have refilled her pellets, hay, water and liter box with very little trouble. I didn’t think it would be different this time. Which of course, the universe decided it had to be. She was quite frisky and as I was maneuvering to reach in for her food bowl, she slipped through the door of her cage.  I grabbed the same bucket the Father used to capture her and ran. Calling out to her was obviously ineffective and she would teasingly let me get inches away before hopping off. I felt so helpless as it was dark, I didn’t have my phone and I was getting cold since I haven’t changed my sweat soaked shirt. I actually bolted back into the house and quickly grab my phone and some rose petals the mother has planted. I debated whether or not I should grab her treats or some carrots but I obviously couldn’t take my time. What worried me is that, on my walks with Aso, I would often notice one or two cats, and I’ve even seen 3, big raccoons in the area! I have never felt like a trespasser before, and I was actually concerned of walking up and down people’s driveway at first. But in the light of what was taking place, I got over myself and figured worst comes to, I would just have to explain.  And yet again, and eternity passed when I was able to miraculously corner and catch her. It wasn’t a very deep bucket and I was afraid she would jump off, so as cruel as it may seem, I had no choice but to jar the bucket and swing it back in forth in the hopes that her sense of balance would be thrown off.  I’m not going to lie, I considered just letting her go, life would just be so much easier without having to worry about another pet. However I made such a scene last time, and my conscience wouldn’t allow for it knowing that there were preys around.

And now on to the “other things”. Not nearly as exciting, but I’ve decided that any place under 4 km could be reached by foot. This really mostly concerns getting to work and to the nearest train station.  I rationalized it as  walking vs transit (to the train station which is also by my work place) takes nearly the same amount of time since we’ve moved houses. It’s annoying really, by drive the train station is only 5 minutes away, but because the bus goes around, it takes about 15 minutes during non-rush hour, but when walking to the station plus waiting times, it could take anywhere from 20-30 minutes. Anyway, my route when I ran takes me near the train/work and it only takes 15-20 minutes. Sounds like a plan right? I tried it out the first opportunity I got, I figured 30 mins is enough allotted time. Well, it probably would have been, had I decided not to take a “short cut” through the forest that only served to waste time. I mean it would have worked, had I been more familiar with different trails inside the forest. 

ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!!! I JUST looked up the forest and it’s trails online, only to discover that I’ve taken the second longest trail there is inside it. OF COURSE I would. It takes the most special types of people to fuck up like that. 

I was late but I eventually made it to work. The fact that I couldn’t cut time by simply just running there was frustrating. I was constantly glancing at my watch, approximating the time it would take to bring me to my destination and it was apparent that there was no way I would make it there on time at my leisurely phase; as it was, I was beginning to sweat buckets so that by the time I made it to work, I had to take off the long sleeve I usually wear under my scrubs. I did decide to walk back home via a different route to see if it’s any easier, however 1/3 of the way through, the Mother felt bad and picked me up.

-Elle Are Emm

Powerful words.

- Elle Are Emm