Not exactly getting back into the groove of things but I think leaving my bedroom twice a week is an improvement no? 

Earlier this week the dental office called to schedule me for work this Friday and next. When I came in though, I found out that I’ve actually been scheduled for 3 Fridays and a Saturday since some people are on vacation and some people have left and moved on to different jobs. It’s strange to think that I’ve worked there since I was 15/16, maybe because I’m always out of the loop as I’ve always just been on call. 

Earlier this afternoon, I received a a text from an ex coworker, since earlier this week we’d planned to go to the Night Market. Good thing she messaged, because I swear I thought we weren’t seeing each other until Sunday evening.

Perhaps one of my regrets with regards to my recent vacation is not watching the sun set and rise in the beach.

 

LOL I just realized you can see my awkward tan lines and that beside Baby Boop I look incredibly dark. Awesome. 

So we walked around, talked, ate, laugh, did the Pepsi challenge -where you are given an unlabeled sample of Coke and Pepsi, and choose which one is better. Though its based on preference, it seemed like a test and the obvious answer was Pepsi- and failed (all three of us chose Coke). OH! I finally got my Taiwanese cake wheels!!!

 

I thought she was joking earlier when she said she wanted a balloon animal. Meet Pandeep (get it?)

FISHERMAN PANTS!  I finally have not 1 but 3! courtesy of the ever so sweet Supa, who earlier last month went back home to Thailand. She wouldn’t even let me pay for them! Before I quit, she had mentioned that she was going back for a family event and had asked what I wanted, I was of course half kidding when I had asked for these and I didn’t really expect her to buy me one, let alone three. I can’t wait to live off these. I swear, she even picked out colours I would have picked out for myself and I didn’t even tell her! To have such people in my life makes my heart swell with gratitude it hurts. :’) 

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

I’ve always known that I have not set roots anywhere in particular, I mean, granted I’ve only ever really resided in two different countries my entire life so far. The world just have so much more to offer that the possibilities of the future seems so endless. I’d like to think that I’ve detached myself to earthly belongings, that if a fire were to consume this house, as long as my family is safe, I would have no regrets. I have nothing in particular I wish to save, of course, I have things of sentimental value, but that’s just it, they’re only things. 

I can’t wait to set things in motion for myself; the idea of it both terrifies and excites.

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

It’s 6:26 PM PST, we’re back home, I’m well rested but still unpacked. It inflicts such a deep, metaphorical wound in my heart but, I could say with the out most certainty that this is one of the hardest blog I have ever felt compelled to write. And that is because this trip managed to disappoint my nonexistent expectations.  No wonder I was actually never excited for it, even when we’ve had half a year to look forward to the day we depart; I should have taken that lack of excitement with a sense of foreboding.

It had already started off rough anyway. From the very beginning a click had started to form as to whom gets to ride with who in the two cars we shared, and then it continued on to sleeping arrangements, which I thought really nothing of. Regardless, I didn’t understand this emphasis on groupings since we were supposedly one big group, I didn’t take it too seriously, figuring spending a week with my closest friends and my younger brother –whom they seem to adore- would be a large and prolonged sleep over, hence why I never had a say. Besides, I thought it was natural to be saddled with my baby brother, though even that felt strange as I thought he would be fully welcomed in the group.

And then on the very first night, a petty fight broke between me and CB which was swept under the rug before the night ends. I hadn’t realized this was going to be the least amount of tension I would experience compared to what lay ahead. 

I personally wanted to step out of my comfort zone and explore, which is what vacation means to me. I felt like we had a lot of time and Hawaii had so many more things to offer than just beaches and markets. My suggestions and plea to compromise was ignored and shut down and consistently met with pessimism. I was also disappointed with the fact that regardless of having idea of things to do, places to see and food to try, virtually none of it happened and the confusion as to  what the day has to offer was frustrating to me. I know I’m very meticulous when it comes to things like these, however, I tried really hard not to be such a control freak, I also didn’t think it was unreasonable to have a guideline planned out for the day, after all we we’re in an unfamiliar territory that beckoned to be explored.  Hence, after the first day, I made the decision to separate from the rest of them. This way, I thought I was being giving and considerate, because I knew fact that I would be miserable had I stayed which would ruin the trip for everyone and had a great potential to jeopardize our friendship. 

 

Have you ever been so nervous and scared you wanted to throw up? Well that’s how I felt the second morning when I dragged Baby Bill out of our hotel room at quarter to 8 the next day. There were so many things that could have gone wrong, but I sucked it up and prayed to Him for  safety and guidance. The entire day went much better than expected. We met so many good and interesting people, from a random stranger who offered us a ride, a newly acquired acquaintance with an older couple who offered to lend me their phone and chatted me up so much that it passed time, multiple kindhearted  transit operators, and local residents who are patient enough to help out two young tourists asking for directions.I took the first day as a personal challenge, and that it went by unhitched brought on such a big sense of relief and boosted my self confidence.  

However, what I didn’t expect was the cold reception I would receive upon our arrival. Worst; it just got colder night after night. The tension was palpable that it made me cringe and made me feel unwelcome.  I couldn’t understand it, I still don’t. I wasn’t angry even when I had the right to be. Disappointed though I might be, I didn’t hold anything against them, after all I knew that what I wanted to do was something we wouldn’t do ordinarily, however, I was looking for a little compromise in defense of not being in a very ordinary place, situation and opportunity. It wasn’t as thought I was completely averse to their half-baked plans, I made the decision to go on this trip with them didn’t I? I simply just wanted more out of it. Moreover, I wanted to be able to share it with them.  I understood their disinterest, as I expected them to understand my position and my motive behind my decision. By their reaction I knew for a fact they obviously had a few things to say about me that they shared with each other. I knew they were going to, as I had things to say about them that I shared with Baby Bill. However, I got over it and actually tried to get over the awkwardness. My efforts were fruitless and if they weren’t just flat out ignoring me, the general reception I was receiving was very faked; faked interest to what we did, faked enthusiasm to my stories, faked tolerance to my presence. To be honest, I think they tried to accommodate us on the last day out of guilt of a sense of obligation. It hurts. And I tried to ignore it and dismissed it as paranoia and something imagined until Baby Bill told me that they were obviously avoiding me/us, that we were outcasts and to not just speak.  I teared up, and my heart swelled with sadness. It’s hard to be dismissal given the nature of our relationship. I actually choked up and cried in front of my  older brother and mom despite trying really hard not to. I didn’t want them to think wrongly of my friends, after all, it already happened and this was just a singular and exceptional scenario.

I’m not going to lie, it’s hard not to let it affect my judgment over them. After all, these are the specially selected group of people with which I chose to be surrounded, and to be treated that way was a one of the biggest  insult and slap in the face I’ve ever received in my adult life. I don’t think anyone understand the serious measure I take my friendship. Yes, over the years, with multiple close friendship collapsing, my trust in my friends have dwindled; though this is probably the last straw. It just goes to show that you can’t fully open your heart to anyone and that the only person you can fully rely on is yourself.  

 

So that’s that. To be honest I have zero intention of posting any picture of our trip. It probably would have been for the best if I hadn’t gone. I probably would have been jealous but at least I wouldn’t have  lost my faith in my friends the way I do now. 

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

I don’t know how I live all those years that I have without drinking tea. It’s just so damn good. I can’t…

Fri, June 14:

Talk about effortless feat. 10th blood donation, finally. Took a little over 3 years, but now that the clinic is within walking distance I really have no excuse not to donate. To be fair though, this could have been my 11th donation. 2 months prior (April), I was rejected for the first time for having an iron count lower than their set limit. Never have I felt like a failure and embarrassment than I did that moment. Maybe it was the universe’s way to equalizing things seeing as 2 months prior that – Feb, and my last donation- my iron count was apparently ridiculously high. 

Speaking of effortless act of humanity, after a very long consideration and a brief online research – brief because it just makes sense for me to do what I did and I don’t really know why I had to consider it for as long a I did- I decided on the following:

I have signed up to be a bone marrow/stem cell donor waiting for approval and now an official organ donor. The former was a lot easier, the latter was a bit more complicated. I haven’t told anyone about my decision and I don’t know how my parents would feel about it considering their strong Catholic faith. Regardless, I feel strongly about this; I don’t think I could ever be as selfless as I have upon making this decision. 

Sat, June 16:

Mother, Baby Bill and I had celebrated Kuya’s 24th with my friends over on his actual date of birth 2 days prior, seeing as he was away for work some where, for the whole week. We celebrated with him when he came home with a few dishes and another, larger cake this. 

 

Tues, June 18

Cheap movie Tuesdays are supposed to be “family date day” thought it’s more often than not that it’s just me and the mother bear which is just fine by me. 

 

Sat,  June 22

Daddy is home early from being away for a few months for work. I’m happy that he’s here though my prayers goes to those affected by the disastrous flood in Alberta.

Afternoon was spent with JW, walking around the trail in Tynehead park. Somehow, I’ve gotten over my paranoia of spiders and have developed a liking for trails and parks. I actually even want to try some hiking trails this summer

Late in the evening, CB, CR, LG picked me up to have K-chicken at Ahjumma’s then when the clock hit midnight, we headed with JB in tow, to DP‘s to greet her on her bday. 

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

 

 

 

I’ve gotten so used to staying up and sleeping in, and the need to blog always hits me at this hour of the night. There has been one or two topics I meant to document however I failed to do so, and I quite frankly just don’t have the conviction right now that I had at the moment when I thought of them. So really, this is just me rambling.

 

 

-Elle Are Emm

Summary of the past half year…or so 

Lets start off with THE big one shall we?

 

It’s strange, nerve wracking, absolutely terrifying AND a relief to finally divulge this out in the open but alas, there it is;  as of December 20th, 2012  I officially graduated. My journey of 3 years has almost ended.

To be honest I am without a lack of coherence verbalizing my thoughts with regards to this matter… It’s about 90% of the reason why I stopped blogging. It has just been the most difficult thing, I have ever had to do thus far. And it was at this point when it dawned on me;  that moment of my life was my inauguration to adulthood; and I just wanted to run way and sleep until it hopefully solved itself. But of course it didn’t. 

In any case, I didn’t expect, and frankly didn’t care if I graduated or not. The final, final, final project –and literally the only thing- I needed to graduate was a bust. Again. The first two times I did that class (the first being I dropped out, and the second I failed) I must admit, I did not even try. However, as stupid as it sounds, it was very disheartening the 3rd time around when half of my effort didn’t pay off. Alas, eventually, after multiple meetings with the administration, I think they finally took pity on me and gave me a last and final chance. I did not deserve it, and yet a miracle occurred because a few weeks after the class ended, I received my diploma in the mail. 

As a naive, ambitious child, I must admit, I had envisioned my graduation day very differently. First, I thought it would take place the year prior, and that I would be there sitting in, being bored yet eager.

Sooooo… the next logical step just seemed to be registering for the board exam which was to take place in a little over 2 months. I gathered all the necessary prerequisites, payed the fee and was on my way to studying. And then  I couldn’t; it felt as though I had burned right through the wick.

After spending 2 sleepless weeks, I finally decided on January 19, 2013 at 4:50 am to put my current plans into suspension. It honestly felt like it was the best decision I’ve made during the past 3 + years. A huge weight lifted off my shoulder and I was finally able to heave a sigh of relief I didn’t know I was holding in. And I just lay in bed, motionless, asking myself “now what?”,  because for the first time in my personal history, I had nothing I needed/wanted to do. I could focus on the trivial and the now, at least for the better part of the year. It was something I needed. 

 

edit:

I’ve literally tried to finish this particular blog for weeks now, and my first few attempts failed because of technical difficulties. I think I’ll just post a series of non-chronological picture with short description. 

Near the Christmas season, I had searched for a seasonal job to act as a distraction from school. I got hired in a retail position right on the spot but it fell through. Luckily, a friend had to leave her job so I took over around the end of November.

 

Parents spent a little over 3 weeks in the Philippines, after Christmas. I’m so happy for that they’ve finally seen their respective family, especially daddy, who has not returned home ever since we emigrated. With that said, we did go food-less after baby Bill burnt through mother’s frozen meals. Looking back, I have no idea how Aso survived. 

Spent the first half of the first weekend of February in Harrisson, meaning to go to the hot spring, only to find that we had to stay in the hotel that houses it, where we spontaneously decided that we’re going on a trip in the summer.

Daddy turns 48! I actually had to split the weekend between Harrisson and Daddy because I couldn’t miss both.

Baby Bill learned how to pump gas, and got his driver’s license…oh yeah he also has a job now. They grow up so fast :’)

Saw many shows, ate lots of food, slept many sleep overs with the friends. 

Painted room, because I wanted it to look like a proper room.

 This picture  does not do it justice. In the past my room has always been deep red and I don’t know what made me thought of it, but this time around I decided on an earthy theme. 1/4 of my wall is mossy green and the rest is light chocolate. Furniture, bed sheets, even my ceiling lights are a variation of brown. I couldn’t be anymore pleased. 

I’v also picked up running. I haven’t been very consistent but at least I’m doing something.  

Due to conflicts, I ended up quitting work. I hadn’t expected it but leaving after my last shift was actually quite sad, mostly for the fact that I wouldn’t be working with my awesome coworkers anymore. In any case though, most of the people I started with had already left. I had planned on reducing my hours, because I was actually working 5-6 days/week, and sometimes even 2 weeks straight. But as time goes on, my experience with this company just turned very sour.  It was a long drama that I didn’t need so I left.

It’s still sad because we get customers like these little adorable man, that I would probably never see.

We had dinner and saw a movie before my manager went home down under. I’m still somewhat in contact with him and hopefully will get to see him when/if he comes back 

With all of that said, I’ve finally wasted more time than I originally intended to, now I’m somewhat  motivated to get back into the groove of studying and may be perhaps go for the next board exam.

Oh yeah, meet the Fapping Station or Fappy for short aka the ultra book of my dream. I have never thought “sexy” about any piece of machinery until I laid my myopic eyes on these last year. Funny story, for shits and giggles I started referring to this obviously-too-advance-indulgence as a fapping station. Father and I bought it hardly use and factory restored for 50$ less, last week of May, because Future Shop didn’t have any more in stock but this one. I mean when I opened it, I had to set it up etc etc. But a few days later it blue-screened, as Windows are inclined to do, and when I turned it on again, clicked on the Chrome icon, it opened to the “most visited” panels, to my utter shock and surprise, one of the panels was one for a porn site. I originally thought DP, who was on it for  brief while did it as a joke, but when I looked through my history, I couldn’t find said porn site. So I type the address in search, sure enough it was there, however it dated way back in April. It just doesn’t make sense, I still can’t wrap my head around it.

 

 

 

Elle Are Emm

 

 

 

 

I super, mega, duper miss blogging. I stopped for a couple of reasons;  the biggest being the last time I put up an actual blog I was in a very confusing place that I quite frankly didn’t want to deal with. That and my old laptop finally broke down.

I still wish I had kept track of those confusing, frustrating and depressing long months though, because somewhere in between there had been happy and enriching moments. In any case, I could try to update those months in another blog. However I just want to take this time to talk to remind myself that everything is better now and that I really only have to take one day at a time 

 

-Elle Are Emm 

4 am and I can’t sleep. This impending board exam (yes! BOARDS, oh have I a lot to catch you up on) has me really bugged. I’m so hesitant and I’m double thinking it. Not a good sign. Not good, at all. Yes I’m lazy, but it’s because I’m not passionate. I’m directionless right now and I’ve come to terms with it. I have to stop being “smart” and just trust my instincts. I think I know what I have to do

-Elle Are Emm

Yes, in my 21 years, I can finally say that this overwhelming feeling is what they refer to as “love”. The only difference is, it isn’t my own love and romance but my parents’. It’s so overwhelming in fact, that throughout my day, this overbearing feeling would wash over and take a hold of me at the most random of moments that I would be rendered tearful and motionless on the spot. Oddly enough, I do not ever hope of striving for a such partnership. Mostly because there’s is such a strong and rare bond that to duplicate it would surely lead to failure. However, I am greatful to the heavens above that in this lifetime, it granted me the undeserved opportunity to bear witness to such glory

-Elle Are Emm

I really just hate the world right now. And I have no reasonable explanation why. I’m the luckiest girl in the world,  I posses more than what I deserve -more than what I bothered to work for- but this very strong hatred emminating from within me is scary. These dark, dark thoughts coming unbided is frightening me and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m angry, confused, emotional and borderline suicidal right now. I’m trying to figure out the source of this ball of negativity while figuring out an outlet and I just don’t know.

 

-Elleareemm