Is it really right if a part of my being is very reluctant and, hard it is to admit, aggravated that I now have to make this sacrifice? See, to even acknowledge this simple act as "sacrifice" already shows how I feel. I know that I have voluntarily made the offer out of obligation.

I am very ashamed to be feeling this way but I can't help it. When did I turn into this selfish monster who would put superficial materials before her own grandfather's health and safety?

Dear God, please absolve me. I am trying my best to make this offer come from my heart. Rest assured that even if it isn't, that I will honour my word and do what's right

-Elle Are Emm

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with saying that Daddy dear just got a devastating phone call from Nanay. Apparently Tatay got stroke yesterday. I really have nothing to say, except that it breaks my heart that this is happening. Especially now that we are supposedly starting anew with our life.

We were supposed to be regaining out luck. I guess there is no real happiness without tragedy lurking in the corner.
What do I do?
What can I do?

-Elle Are Emm

My days have been partly repetitive, as expected from having school in session yet again. Other than spending the whole of Sunday afternoon with mommy buying room stuff (ie: desk, shoe rack etc) and going out with CB on Monday evening to supposedly view the BW exhibit, only to find out that it was actually ONLY for volunteers that day, then deciding to just go for ice cream, nothing significant has happened as of late.

But for some reason I feel compelled to talk about an event that DID occur and is still taking place. Which is only on my mind because I found a letter I wrote for my Sr year year book that I didn't get a chance to give to two of my friends, which lead me to find the whole lot of file and re-read them all.

I don't want to talk about it anymore since I've already said my peace. And quite frankly, although it is still in the back of my mind, I am just too busy with other things to really care about this other matter at hand. Yes, you've guessed it, it's about the whole deal with CM. Before I get started, I just want to state that I really feel absolutely NOTHING over this matter. I don't feel upset, angry or whatever else towards her. I have gotten over all the emotions after I've told the 3rd or so person about it. I did plan on talking to her just to be fair, but the right time or opportunity never presented itself seeing as I have only seen her since the "incident" twice. Both at parties nonetheless.

Apparently, she has now realized my lack of response and just the over all absence of my constant text messages, that she has taken it upon herself to ask a couple of people about it. She is speculating that I have ill feelings towards her, and I'm pretty sure that her, being her has no clue of what she's done. The damage is permanent, but instead of burning our ties (which is impractical and ineffective seeing as we share the same crowd) I've decided to cut my loss instead. Meaning my disinterest with regards to our friendship has led me to act civil towards her instead. She's there when she's there. No more no less.

Now, if only I can let her know. To be honest, I don't even think I can tell her how I FELT with the same passion as if it were when the damage was fresh. Like I said, I feel nothing and that's that. I should have figured that this will catch up to me sooner or later though. Just yesterday, CB texted me about CM's inquiries. In the same afternoon her name came up when mother dear and I was talking. AND in the SAME evening, while shopping, I saw a mutual friend of ours and he promptly ask if I was with her seeing as she was supposedly present in the same area. "Oh shit!" moment indeed, just as I was almost leaving she miraculously found me amongst the throng of impatient crowd. She mentioned that I haven't been replying to which I said I was out and busy the whole day, which was true.

Ugh I want to sleep, the afternoon of assembling furniture and the fail attempt to view BW has left me exhausted.

-Elle Are Emm

I've always believed that one sign of maturity is going through with commitments you've made even though you don't feel up to it at all. You know, those times when you've already talked yourself out of it, and if there were any chance at all of not doing said chore, you'd be out of there in less than a millisecond? Yeah, well that's how I felt about this BW volunteer business. When people hear about this, they give me this look like I just got out of a loony bin. The thing is I had my own motives, though it wasn't met in the end. When it comes down to it, I realize that I've brought this upon myself and the least I can do is have fun. Right?

So I head there, got changed and stuffed my bag in a very shaddy looking locker room. Wondered around looking for whoever it is that can help me out. See, I already knew that our "team leader" wasn't around, what I didn't realize is that she had no one subbing for her. Evidently, us volunteers for the FIRST ever shift was left to fend for ourselves. I started getting exasperated. I maybe disorganized with my own personal life, but this attitude doesn't transfer to my professional life. I kept my cool, and soon we just got together and figured things out for ourselves. So that was cool.

Over all, I would say that I was a little timid with my role, as I have never done anything like this before. However, it was still fun getting acquainted with my fellow volunteers. Playing around at the end of the night was actually pretty fun.  

At quitting time, I headed back to Surrey and got picked up by Ate Krisha (KB), Ate NA, Ate Val and Joanne Sommes since it was Friday and I wanted to bum around and they wanted a continuation of last week! HOLLY! Ate KB's place IS a CAKERY! I remember the days when daddy dear worked at English Bay cookie making factory! But it's hardly nearly as good as cakes! Chantate with CB, 1 Girl 5 Gays, a drunk Kuya RB/ CB, and a couple hours later (and shots for them), we finally decided to part ways. I didn't get home until 1/2 ish. Worrisome really since I still have clinic the next day.

Fast forwarding to this morning: It was rainy, left a little late, and waited for my bus. Saw Tita Janet. Took transit with her while catching up about this and that. I was a bit late for my shift. Let me tell you, I have never appreciated the bus stop 3mins away where I used to live until now. I have always believed that the bus I am currently taking is the faster one but N.O! It's just always too busy! We don't live THAT much farther it's really just waiting time that will be the death of me.

Over all, my clinic shift went JUST okay. There were some bumps here and there (like not doing my charts properly, and assessing the wrong joint) I think it must be from the lack of sleep. Although this really shows how much reviewing I SHOULD get started on ASAP.

In the afternoon, I met up with the Babilonia bunch at the mall. Since they were doing a little of their shopping I ate Mcdee, then just met up. The highlight of my day really is figuring out where to get our eyebrows done ( I think I found a fav place) and going in random stores. The Philo store and Unique Boutique at the end was amusing.  Sadly, the CB and JB had commitments so I was just dropped home and callopsed.

-Elle Are Emm

Here we go again on the endless loop of monotonous days. *Sigh* Don't you just love school? Just for the sake of blogging, here's my day:
-School at 8:30. Since younger brother didn't want to share cleaning duty in their place he decided that from now on he will be bathing in my bathroom. It's been a painful, scream inducing couple of days because he conveniently used the washroom the same time I have to. Hey, at least I got a ride to the Sky Train this A.M

-Home bound by 12 pm. Dropped by Army and Navy to pick up a few things (hoodie, belt, black pants, stockings and panties ) Had to go to the bank though since Student Loan finally came in. This time, I have to manage my $$ or whatever I have left of it after I buy text books, and other necessities that I need. Must resist the urge to online shop. As it is, I already bought contact lenses, and in the middle of picking out a few boots UGH! SOMEONE STOP ME!

-Elle Are Emm

Other than meeting up with KS and WT at lunch, I really have nothing to update about. It's been one of those days: school, finished Student Loans (finally) then home. I'll ttyl I guess.

-Elle Are Emm

Day went by as usual. Got up, got ready for school, then headed to the mall to buy a few things. I spent 50$ within half hour . See this is the reason why I don't lurk around the shopping centers. I don't know about you, but as a Poverty Stricken College Student or PSCS for short, any amount of money not saved is wayyyyy too much spent. There goes that money I made from my first ever paid treatment from yesterday! For some reason I just find everything I lay my eyes on a necessity until after I review my expenditure at the end of the day So I headed to school, finished my class then bummed around until it was time to leave for my next and final volunteer orientation.
After a long 2 and something hours we were finally given a "sneak peak" of the exhibit. IT WAS AMAZING! because it relates to so much of what I am learning, every display was just so fascinating! So this is what I've been missing out on from the prosection labs! I couldn't get enough of anything and everything that was being showcased. I didn't realize how exhilarated I was until when I stepped out and realized that I've been holding my breath. It does make me wonder though, how would I have reacted if I wasn't as educated as I am now about the subject at hand? I try not to admit it, but I'm still giving myself crap, especially now, for not being confident enough to showcase what I know. It's too late now, but at least it's a lessoned learned.

Another thing that I really appreciated is the fact that when I got my name tag, my second name is written on it as supposed to my first. Yes, this is actually a REALLY big deal for me as I have insecurity issues when it comes to my name. For some reason, just knowing that I don't have to be awkward and embarrassed about this aspect made me relax a little bit more.

Over all this day has been awesome, I got to see a distant cousin (supposedly) and a family friend (Ate Sheena). Really I have got to stop at this being awkward thing. I should just approach people and be more approachable. It wasn't too bad or awkward talking to her at all. We dropped her off then I got to drive back home, then around again when we picked up mommy. So yeah, good day

-Elle Are Emm

 This is actually a continuation of my Saturday. It happened not long after my clinic shift. I stayed in school for a while just killing time until I could meet get ready and meet up with people. Originally, I was supposed to head at the hotel with KL and PB but I found out that CB was on her way so we agreed that we would meet at the closest station. Unbeknown to me they went ahead anyway. Obviously I was irritated, since lack of communication has been one of my biggest pet peeve as of late. Eventually, I headed Downtown by my lonesome. I wondered DT following a very wrong direction given by CB. She eventually came and got me. We headed to IGA to help MC carry his expensive grocery, because apparently no one bought/brought anything. Along the way, I finally tasted the infamous JAPADOG. So there we were buying generic named products, when we finished, we “borrowed” the stores cart and walked back to the hotel. I got them to head back because I had to withdraw money. I was under the impression that I would find the hotel by myself because CB pointed out the direction to me. Surprise, surprise, I walked around for another 20+ minutes, called/texted back a few times and I still couldn’t find the damn directions they were giving. To be fair though, every street name was gibberish to my ear, I’m the girl that gets lost in an elevator remember? There I was getting increasingly pissed off and wet from the rain, when I finally found the hotel. I sat across from it debating with myself whether I should cool of and go in, wait for PB and KL or head back home. I opted for the last choice. But even then, it was still aggravating how we were getting told to call this person then that then back to this person again just to enter the damn hotel.  Anyway, party got started as people arrived. And boy, WAS IT a party! It got really wild that we were threatened with eviction. Of course, with all those people + alcohol drama soon followed. Good thing people started leaving. I actually though I wasn’t going to be able to get home that night much to my mother’s anger. Luckily I was able to hitch a ride with Kuya Ryan and Ate Krisha at around 3am.  The next day, I was pretty surprised that mommy didn’t say anything; I’m thinking that Ninong talk to him about cutting me some slack.  

I don’t remember much about Sunday. But I think I just slept then went to church, finally after a really long time! Monday, was pretty much the same, except mommy arranged it so that I get to work on one of her client. Man, I know that with all these ethics class I’ve been taking, and from my instructors, that what I’m about to say is borderline unprofessional and inappropriate, but here goes.

HE WAS PRETTY DAMN CUTTEEE!! I think because I found him attractive that I started getting nervous! Odd because I never felt like that during my first EVER shift in the student clinic! And obviously there was that comparison with my mother. I think that skill wise, I have more than her, but experience wise not so. Anyway, I couldn’t stop smiling to myself! Even when I was allowed to drive to pick up Kuya! Even NOW and I type! Haha the only thing is he’s an LB (by a year) and pretty short! Seeing as there is virtually -.1234567865434567 chance of anything coming out of it, I’ll allow myself for him to be my exception!

*Phew! Glad I got that out of the way!

-Elle Are Emm

It feels like I'm getting somewhere.

Today, September 11, 2010 at 0.900 hours is the day I start my Clinic Internship.   It's been long over due I really don't want to think about what could have been  or what should have been the most important thing is I am here, now, at this very moment. 

Both of my treatment went fine, I was surprisnlgy not nervous.  The first one was initial to the clinic too, and the second one not so. But boy! don't time fly by SO fast? that one hour of treatment time alloted is
NOTHING! it was hardly enough to get all the information I needed/wanted. Good thing I had my last patient cancelling, becasue, to my surprise, with my second treatment, during the interview portion, I looked at the clock then BAM! I only had 20 or so minutes to treat.

I think I just have to learn to get used to things! But I'm ready, I'm finally ready. I'm determined  to be here, and most importantly, no mattter how much the future scares me with regards to this career path, I absolutely want  to be here.

I'm off to get ready for MC's party now

Toodle-oo!

-Elle Are Emm

So day three of school. Went on like the usual except I had an afternoon class instead. Found out that my schedule's been switched, so now I have Clinic before Outreach. No big deal, just got to remember everything I learned 6 months ago. I mean, I've been LONG overdue right? On other news, I went ahead and brought my student loan to the back. After 5 terms, I finally realized that all they're doing is writing the SAME EXACT information and that's all. I could have done that myself =/. I accompanied mommy dear, she lectured me for yesterday and I just new it'd be a waste of breath the explain my reasoning to her. I was pleasantly surprised when my dad heard me out though. They let me drive home, and back to Surrey C to pick up kuya then back home again. After I biked to the Babilonia's and spent the evening with JB, CB, Ate LB and Ate NA. We went crazy at the Dollar store looking for things for MC's party tomorrow, which I don't even know if I'd be allowed to go after yesterday. Most likely not, but I'm going to try to go and just get home as early as I can. Biked home just in time when parents called and realized that I was gone. Now, I shall sleep and wake up tomorrow to review my notes. Wish me luck Xanga?

-Elle Are Emm