September 5, 2012

  • Tonight, I am a woman

    In all technicality, that would actually be last night.

     

    But I digress. 

     

    Cutting my hair to such a short length and pretending to be a lesbian has all been fun and games within my group my friends, but I don't think I've properly explain myself as to what my actual motive is. In the surface, I can easily and honestly say that it wasn't such a big decision as some people make it out to be; after all, it is just hair. Or to me at least. In a year's time, if I feel so inclined, I could grow out my hair to it's usual flowing length. 

    I am also in a stage where I need a change of sorts. A change that doesn't actually deviate from who I am, but rather, a change that will enable me to grow into myself.  I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm 20; I'm lost and confuse. Never have I ever felt like a kid more than I have been lately and I really just want/need to gain back a semblance of control, feign confidence that I lack to get by and surface from this with as much of me left in tact as I could manage. 

    I hadn't realize that cutting my hair would be this symbolic to me until after the fact, it really just felt like the thing to do. And in doing so, I just feel that much more empowered; as though I had shed a part of that little long-black-haired-girl me.  This short new cut represent me in ways that I've never been represented before. It represents me now, and it represents who I've always been, both physically and mentally. 

    There's that. And of course, there is also my fascination to gender bending.

    Ah, gender bending. I always explode into a fragmented, revering ramble when this topic comes up. Even now, I am starting to get excited beyond comprehensible words. It's just....just... *sigh*


    The medical, biological, and sociological aspect of it completely fascinates me. It's the ultimate FUCK YOU to gender standards society set; biologically, it reiterates how malleable and manipulable the human body is; and of course, the advancement in medical technology, with regards to this matter, that has and is being made, is an entirely different story in itself. 

     I'll leave it at that for now, before I launch onto any more fervour fuelled babble. 

    In any case, lately, the friends have been having fun stitching an elaborate story - to tell others- of how each of them have been/ are my lovers for their own amusement, that I was starting to feel my ovaries shrink and be slowly replaced by testicles. So tonight, for JW birthday dinner at Cactus Club on English Bay Beach,  I was determine to look like a lady. 

    Obligatory food picture post.


    I was -at no one's surprise, I'm sure- late. By the time I arrived, they ( JW, KK, AA as well as two of JW's friends) were already seated at the patio with a beautiful view of the beach and it's surrounding areas. We were only there for a couple of hours, and because most of them have obligations the next day, we ended it at that. 

    AA actually drove, but seeing as she could only have 4 passengers, I volunteered to transit home by myself. It was a good night, so I didn't mind at all. Besides, I've noticed that I've been driving/or getting driven around a lot lately. In any case, iit gave me an opportunity to catch up on my reading. 

    Asymmetrical dress. Did the job just fine. Excuse this moment of superficialness, but I adored how the tail end of the dress move and flew in the wind with every step I took. I felt feminine all right. 

    The best part? Is that finally allowing myself dress in dresses and shorts comes with the realization that I'm out growing body image issues that I've had all my life. 

    Sure, self esteem issues has never been a big part of who I am, but admittedly they were/are still there. I'm just one of  the imperfect lucky ones to recognize that body image isn't everything. 

     

    And yes, that is a white bra in the background

     

    -Elle Are Emm